First of all, why would anyone promote a recipe that is titled with a portmanteau borrowing heavily from the “cringe?” Leave aside the fact that this website purports to have been published c. 2010, which was before the word’s more recent ironic and post-ironic evolutions of nuance brought about by social media and gaming culture. That’s maybe interesting, but leave it for now. The real central question is: “Is this shit good or not, and why are we cringing?”

It really is one of life’s central conundrums.

Well, rest assured that this is a good recipe. There’s some flexibility built in, so focus on learning the keys to the process and not the nitpicky nothing-burger of exact measurement or ingredients. Maybe, too, we’ll discover the cringe connection along the way.

Also, this recipe does direct you to heat your broth or stock, so if that’s a dealbreaker, so be it.

Ingredients

protein of your choice

accoutrement of your choice

arborio rice

stock / broth (ideally paired with protein and accoutrement choices)

mirepoix / sweat of your choice

fatty lubricant of your choice

seasons of your choice (fresh, dried, rehydrated, paste, etc.)

wine of your choice (ideally paired with protein and accoutrement choices)

appropriate drippings

parm

OR

one risotto concoction

prepared proteins and accoutrements

parm

Directions

Listen, we’re not holding your hand through this experience. You have chosen your specifics, so be smart about dealing with them accordingly, especially when undercooking might poison anyone who’s eating, or at least inconvenience or annoy them.

First things first: The stock or broth that you’re using should be warming in a pot. Not too hot, just, warm–it’s going to be there for a while and you don’t want it to reduce away (yet). It depends on your setup, but usually it’s best to place it close to the burner you’re going to use for the risotto. Have a ladle or measuring cup ready.

Prepare your proteins and accoutrements. Whatever these are, they will be added to the rice concoction late in the process, so you’ll want to prepare them so that they’re either already up to temp or will get up to temp in the few minutes they’ll have on a burner with the risotto concoction. Not only that, you’ll maybe want to infuse your risotto concoction with some extra protein and accoutrement essence, so be sure to gather appropriate drippings and add them as desired toward the end.

Now you focus on your risotto concoction. You probably want the widest and deepest saucepan you have. Set it on medium-high heat and add some of your chosen fat. When this fatty lubrication is shimmering, make your mirepoix/sweat. Get it hot and then add the seasons, just so they’re blossoming, and then you add the arborio and note that those individual grains cascading down you’re going to need to address by folding and stirring until it’s all just one hot, sloppy mess.

Where’s that wine? Ah, no… Yes! Throw it in there, carefully, because if you’re doing this right then the pan is really hot and you’re not burning anything. It should create some borderline-noxious vapor, sweet though, and quickly recede.

Now’s when the feeding process begins.

Look at the risotto concoction before you. Hot pungent muck of uncooked rice. It needs feeding. You will feed it with the warm stock/broth, slowly, so that it doesn’t gorge itself and explode. You will do this one measure at a time, maybe less, maybe more, depending on how close it is to gorging itself or crisping into a spatula. Each time, you will add the measure of stock/broth and immediately and then continuously stir, running your instrument along the bottom of the pan in swipes of stir. Time passes as you do this, and things are filling and things are evacuating. When it’s looking like feeding is right, you do another measure and repeat the stirring, the watching, the waiting. You do this measure by measure as the risotto concoction builds out robustly.

Keep an eye on your stock/broth reserve. You should embrace the endgame once the rice is at least al dente and there’s enough stock/broth left to finish your prepared choices.

When you’re ready for the endgame, mix in your proteins, accoutrements, and appropriate drippings along with the remaining stock/broth. Simmer as needed for temp. No food poisoning.

One last pass: Bring that shit up to hot, dump a handful of parm, stir (again!), stir, stir! Turn off the heat, stir! (Stir!) And stir until you’re ready to plate that gooey risotto concoction.

We didn’t tell you about this, but you could have also prepared a nice garnish for the plating. No big deal; just keep it in mind for next time.