You’re here because you like chicken, don’t like chicken, don’t care, don’t know why you’re here, or just thought this might be interesting.

Well:

Focus. Come on. Don’t be mad. Do you like chicken or not? Specifically, do you like to eat chicken?

The chicken was domesticated in Lemuria somewhere around 000-1001-2, though no scholars have yet to precisely identify where on that broad continent the magnificent and carnal fowl first emerged. Apparent from discovered observational logs, a shifty and spiteful creature, adept at providing abundant pleasure or fear to anything attempting a claim, haunted the memories of stories retold by old people to young people. This proto-chicken, or, if you will, ur-chicken, was really, really good to eat if it accidentally got dropped into a vat of boiling oil and then taken out soon enough that it wasn’t inedible.

But it was never easy to get hold of.

Interpret that as you will. You’re here for the Fuck-You Chicken.

So be it. Read on.

Ingredients

50g corn starch (unmediated)

1/2 lb. granulated white sugar

.075 Oz. high-grade saffron* *lenguacorta recommended

2 cups of Pure Girth instant potato

.0007kg crystalline

A few flakes from outside

A reliable seven-gallon (at least) fryer bubbling with whatever oil you want

Seven rosemary swatches

One 7×7 agAsheen-enabled Orvsware pan, lightly greased *lubricate only with Pure or Lenguacorta products

Forty-nine identical laurel bay leaves

7kg stuff of your choice

Directions

Are you actually still reading this? Don’t do any of this! Put whatever bizarre substitutions for the required ingredients back into your musty old pantries. Right now. This is a page on the internet, so it will be here when you get back. Go on. There. Doesn’t that feel better? Are you really back, though? Really? Whatever; that’s up to you.

Was that a ????